Dear Abby:
A friend of mine once told me that you and Ann Landers are sisters.

Ann Landers is also a syndicated advice columnist. What, is that supposed to be some kind of coincidence or something? Two sisters who both just happen to be syndicated advice columnists.

What. Ever.

And what's with the whole grandmotherly tone? Everybody can tell that you don't really feel all warm and nurturing. I mean, you get paid to do this. Right?

And how is it that Gene Siskel is dead but you're not?

Roger probably feels like he's lost a brother. But here you are, all snug in your column, and you still have your sister. How do you think that makes Roger feel? Pretty bad, I'd bet.

Roger's married, but otherwise you could have asked him out on a date. That would have made him feel better.