First off, the "planets," as the uninformed call them, have no bearing whatsoever on the ups and downs of your career and personal life.

Second off, these so-called "planets" are not even really there. Oh sure, whenever you spend a weekend out in the country, some know-it-all points at a bright light and announces that he's found Venus.

Well, let me tell you something. I've found Venus. I know her intimately, if you'll pardon the expression. And she is most certainly not floating around up in space. God, some of you are thick. You could all do with a roll in the hay,too.

Which brings me to my point. The following horoscopes will, mark my words, get you laid.

Capricorn - Swing your hips more when you walk. This will attract potential partners.

Gemini - Sniff your own sweat often. It contains pheremones.

Libra - Do not share the corn chips until the love act is well underway. This will increase your partner's desire.

August - Unless you get the feeling that sharing the corn chips early will win you more points.

Cancer - Wear large red shoes. Post-ironic visual gags are erotic.

Tercel - Pepper your speech with expressions.

Sagittarius - Buy personal-hygiene products whose packages feature photographs of romantic situations, then use them liberally.

Sapphire - Also, pepper your speech with anecdotes. Really good ones about close calls on the highway and telling off your boss because sometimes you just have to take a stand.

Twelve - Loudly announce your sexual orientation, then wink.