Part One: "Grape" flavouring

"Grape" flavouring is:

1. Purple.

2. Smooth.

3. From France, where it is used to produce distinctive wines. Did you know that the famous "Burgundy" and "Bordeaux" are made by combining "Grape" flavouring and "Peat" flavouring at high temperatures?

4. Well, now you do!

5. Velvety on the tongue, with just a hint of spiciness. Unless it is an inferior blend, in which case it is less velvety and more acidic. If it is neither velvety nor acidic, it is imitation "grape" flavouring.

6. Imitation "grape" flavouring should not be confused with legitimate "grape" flavouring. Avoid bootlegs and piracy; use only genuine licenced parts.

7. There really is a fine line between condiments and foodstuffs, isn't there?

8. I mean, consider pimentos.

9. Sometimes, "grape" flavouring is the saddest flavouring of all. Especially when it is from the South of France, where there are flabby nude people.