These days, everyone likes money. Some people like five-dollar bills, others prefer tens, and others still choose twenties. But most people can agree on one thing: money is a good thing to have in your wallet.

This is where I come in. My supernatural talents are prodigious, and I am very skilled in the mysterious arts. Make no mistake about it; these horoscopes will make you very, very wealthy.

Sagittarius - Whenever you find coins on the street, pick them up. Unless they are pennies, which you should leave alone.

Libra - Become charming and witty. Laugh at all the right moments. Throw fabulous parties. This will make people very fond of you, and they will give you cash.

Sympatico - Make the most of your hair. If you don't have any hair, you are screwed.

Capricorn - Don't worry about your hair. It's ugly. Besides, modern wigmakers wouldn't pay top dollar for yours in any case. They generally use polyester fibre.

Topaz - Buy a lottery ticket, and choose these numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. No one else will choose numbers like that, so you will have the jackpot all to yourself.

Eleven - In conversation, tell interesting stories.

Leo - Offer snack foods (tortilla chips, extruded sour cream n' onion rings, Cracker Jack, etc.) to everyone you meet. Later, call in your favours.

Pisces - You will never be rich. Nah nah nah Naaaah nah!

Pisces (II) - Because you insist on making your living catching fish. This is the age of the dot coms, assface. Grow up, why don't you?