They are the most inscrutable of all the European races. Bret Dawson updates his classic series of reports.

If you thought the Swiss were exciting by day, you have clearly never spent an evening in Zurich. There, all the delights of mountainbound central Europe can be yours, provided you have paid the licence fees and you have the correct papers. Also it helps to carry a phrasebook, as the Swiss are sullen and unco-operative when addressed in languages other than Swiss.

There is so a language called "Swiss." Those rumours about German-French-Lombard-Romansch quadrilingualism are incorrect and scurrilous.

Here are some common English expressions you are likely to want to use when out at night in Zurich, along with their Swiss translations:

Hello.
Herg.

How are you doing?
(no translation)

I would like a beer, please.
Beeeeeer-schei-ze!

Can you please tell me where the restroom is?
(unzip trousers, urinate on floor)

Do you come here often?
Fonduefondoooo?

It is time to make love.
(no translation)

Please bring me the bill.
Francs! Maudites francs!

Would you like to share a taxi?
Horg-fan-eu-den-oh-li-oh-NEE.

I am attracted to you.
(unzip trousers, urinate on floor)