An ongoing series on the periodic table's religious right. Today, the third and final krypton update, compiled and reported by Bret Dawson.

Did you ever hear about televsion?

No?

That is unfortunate. Television was one of the most important inventions of the 20th century, one significant for both its technological and cultural contributions to our society. Here at strongsmell.com we are very sad that television has disappeared. Frankly, we had expected a little more stamina from it.

Television was an electronic product that was sold in home furnishing stores; you could buy a television "set" for a few hundred dollars. When you got it to your house, you could plug it in and switch it on and it would show you jiggly breasts.

Sometimes it would show you jiggly bums too. That usually gave you special private feelings.

On rare but delightful occasions television would show you drunken celebrities making insincere speeches of thanks to something called the Foreign Press Association, which was a club for people who had been kicked out of their own countries and exiled to Los Angeles on account of their poor taste.

After the drunken celebrities were finished their speeches, they would stagger away from the podium and into a dark hallway, where a creepy old man would de-brief them. That gave the celebrities special private feelings.

Once, the creepy old man hosted a television quiz program called "The Krypton Factor."

The contestants were fat.