The titans of our time go head-to-head. Only one will emerge victorious.

Today:
Kohlrabi
v.
Television

K TV Green, fibrous root vegetable. Common household electronic appliance. Rich source of Vitamins A, C, folic acid. Rich source of works of Ogilvy & Mather, BBDO, Ammirati Puris Lintas. ... Those are advertising agencies, dumbass. Oh. What, an occasional glance at Strategy magazine is beneath you, you effete, Klein-worshipping, Juicing For Life snob? Vaguely resembles Sputnik I. Owes big-ass debt to space race, pioneering Soviets. Contains no advertising. Oh, here we go again. Why don't you just fuck off with your smug condescension, you toad-eyed little unbathed hippie? Delicious pan-roasted w/ Port wine, herbs. Frequently displays telephone number for KFC delivery. That's not even real chicken, you know. ... Really, it's not. I heard it's genetically altered to produce four drumsticks per animal. ... ... Have you ever tried the Extra Crispy? The flavour goes right to the bone. Oh. Bitch. Winner: TV, because it has the detergent commercial with the fellow who sings "Rubba Dubba Do."

Next on All Star Face Off: Tom Wopat v. The French.