Bret Dawson boldly addresses one of the most troubling issues of our time.

Dear magicians:

It has come to the attention of upright and sensible people everywhere that you are up to no good. This must not stand.

First off, when you saw your assistants in half, you demonstrate widespread disregard for even the most basic standards of hygiene, never mind the surgical sterility and practice of asepsis that a procedure this invasive properly demands.

Really, how much trouble would it be to put the saw and the box in an autoclave before the performance? How badly would it cramp your style to have a decent scrub and put on some gloves? Not very much at all, that's how much.

Second off, you do so have something up your sleeves, so why don't you just quit lying about it, you liars.

Third off, you have a problem with consistency. The archetypal magician's maneuver is the production of a live rabbit from a previously-empty silk top hat. However, in practice very few of you have proven yourselves capable of the task. Rather, you are content to produce live doves from behind handkerchiefs, without regard for the considerable harm the birds' eliminative practices can do to a perfectly good evening out and dinner jacket.

One hardly ever gets a chance to wear a dinner jacket nowadays, on account of the relentlessly oppressive blandness of the Business Casual aesthetic. You could even say dinner jackets are just like sport coats, because they are not appropriate for sports, although if you're prepared to count yachting and chess as sports then that rule doesn't really hold true.

Somebody once told us that Garry Kasparov carefully times and plans the way he dons and removes his jacket during a match, so he can maximumly fudge with his opponent's concentration.

Do you think that's cheating?