An occasional feature telling the real stories of real people on the job.

Today: Maureen, a witch.

I think everybody starts out a little scared.

There's just naturally a certain apprehension that goes along with stewing up a cauldron full of newt's toes and chicken eyes. For one thing, the cauldron is made of cast iron, and it's got to weigh 250 pounds all by itself, so there's a safety issue to consider even before you take to lighting a fire under it.

The other thing is, once you actually do get it hot enough to get a decent brewing action started, it's kind of dangerous just being near the thing. Think about it: 250 pounds of iron, three-quarters full of boiling, oily liquid... basically, it's a supersized radiator turned up full blast, and it's my job to spend all day leaning over it and stirring it and trying to get the blend just right.

It's no wonder my complexion isn't what it used to be. I've been hospitalized for heat stroke three times in my career, and I've had more burns than I care to count.

But don't get me wrong. I love the work. Absolutely love it. It's an interesting time to be in this field, because we've done things the same way for so long and now it's all changing. For one thing, there's the re-branding. Used to be we'd mostly work discreetly, keeping a low profile and doing the messy and smelly jobs in facilities where they wouldn't bother anybody. Out of sight and out of mind, you know?

If one of us needed to build a house out of candy and use it to lure children into our ovens, we did it deep in the woods. Discretion was key. Now... gosh, it's so different.

I'm doing this interview, for one thing. That never would have happened before. And they've got us all wearing the logo wherever we go out. You've probably seen it; it's that star-in-a-circle thing. I actually kind of like the look of it, but you would not believe the legal hassles we've had from the Texaco people over the whole deal. The Chrysler people, too. Like, as if they could turn anybody into a toad.

Anyway. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get good newts these days? Because they're amphibians, you know, just like frogs, and they're showing up all over the place all deformed with twisted legs and two heads and everything, just like frogs are. You've seen it on the news, right? All because of all the environmental toxins.

Of course, it could also just be one of Darlene's spells gone wrong.

She's such a bitch.