You may have heard that Mars recently traveled closer to Earth than it has for some 50,000 years. You may have been impressed and awed by the news. If so, you are a slack-jawed yokel.

When used to count years, 50,000 is a meaningless number. Consider these facts:

1. 50,000 years ago, there was no such thing as a "year."
2. 50,000 years ago, there was no such thing as "July," on account of there being no such thing as Julius Caesar.
3. 50,000 years ago, there was no such thing as "August," on account of there being no such thing as Augustus Caesar.
4. 50,000 years ago, there was no such thing as a month.
5. So basically 50,000 years is much, much too long to be of any import to human cultural history.
6. 50,000 years ago, the dinosaurs had been extinct for millions of years.
7. 50,000 years ago, people were physiologically indistinguishable from today's people, except maybe for a bit of nutrition-related variance in height and weight.
8. Evolution is a really slow process, is what we're saying.
9. So basically 50,000 years is much, much too short to be of any import to the planet's biological or geological history.
10. So who frickin' cares where Mars was 50,000 years ago?
11. Nobody.
12. That's who.
13. Not to be a total killjoy or anything.

On the bright side, the movements of the heavenly bodies still have irresistable influence on the ups and downs of your daily life. Here is a summary of what to expect this month, conveniently organized by Zodiac sign:

Libra: You are petulant and unfriendly. Seek out a career as a comptroller. Or, stay home and do not seek out a career, and starve yourself into oblivion instead. That would be good. Do that.

Capricorn: Try to make it easier for people to get your jokes. Explain the punch line repeatedly while waggling your eyebrows. That always brings down the house.

Futurama: They once found a dead guy face-down in the Slurm. If you don't watch out that could happen to you folk.

Virgo: True love does not wait. What, were you born on a raft?

Cusack: Ask your sister if she really has a speech impediment or if she just talks like that to get attention.

Aries: If you're so tough, what's all this about gentle showers and going out like a lamb? You are a total fairy, if you ask us.

Wheat: Try to be more conciliatory and less glutinous. Cake = good. Eclairs = good. Fresh baked goodness = good. Saskatchewan = good. Clumping = bad. Failed pie crust = bad. Distractions = bad. Hey, look! A pirate!

Cancer: How about not being such a dick for a change?